Awareness

Jillian is changing. That goes without saying, of course, but we have noticed some changes in her recently that reflect a greater understanding of the world and its vastness. This was confirmed to me at her preschool conference yesterday. Her teacher reported that she has seen an increase in anxiety (for a lack of a better word) in Jillian, and that she sees some new hesitancy in her in terms of making decisions about activities, friends, etc. We went on to discuss that around this age kids start to lose their ego centrism and realize that this world is a big old scary place, and that this change can be more pronounced in really bright children--their wheels are always turning, processing, etc. It happened literally overnight with Jillian, about six weeks ago, and I can still remember her sudden change of emotion, increase in fear, and undesirable behaviors at home. This switch in her that flipped also happened to coincide with her first run-in with a bully at school, and it took awhile to work through what was really going on. When I say bully, I mean in terms congruent with 4 year old bully behaviors, but still--very real and frightening for Jillian. I have nothing but positive things to say about how this situation was handled by her school, and am proud of how Jillian learned new skills to stand up for herself, express her feelings, and to reach out to adults who might not see every little interaction in the room. These last few weeks have been a big wake up call for me on a couple of levels. First, I know that in about 10 years I will wish my child's struggles are as "small" as preschool bully. It is going to get a lot harder--for her, and for us as parents. Gulp. Second, for as long as I have wished that Jillian would show a little fear or hesitancy about things (mostly relating to keeping her safe during those exploratory toddler years), I am kind of sad about the development of new fears. I know this is a normal, expected part of development, but I do not want her to be a fearful person. I want her to be brave, decisive, and step out with a great faith. I desire these things for her not because I think they are "right", but because I know first hand through my own personal tendencies how miserable and paralyzing fear can be. I am sure most parents want their children to inherit their best traits, not the ones they struggle with, and I am no exception. Being a mother continually provides me with an overwhelming dose of self-awareness as I see my girls reflect my words, actions, and behaviors right back at me--the good, the bad, the ugly, and everything in between. So, in refining their behaviors I also have to refine mine. Did I mention I think being a parent is just plain hard???

On a lighter note, here are some questions Jillian has asked me in the last 24 hours:

-"Mom, how did you get a husband?" (I am not sure if she meant literally how I got her dad to marry me, or how someone would even consider marrying me...maybe I don't want to know!)

-"Mom, what's a groupie?" (Uhhhh.....how did she even know this word?? I told her it was someone who really loves a band. End of story)

-"Mom, what happens if you don't love Jesus?" (Oh dear. Well, this started last night at dinner when Matt asked her what her favorite part of school was, and she told him Bible time. He asked her why, and she said because it was right before show and tell. Then, she went on to talk about the most recent Bible lesson where they learned about Judas. So it all made sense to me at that point, but I wasn't sure how to answer. I told her that if you don't love Jesus, that it makes God feel sad because he want us to love Jesus. Later, I realized that my off the cuff answer wasn't what I wanted to say--I wanted to tell her that "Jesus still loves you", because I think at her age she needs to learn about love and grace...but next time, I'll tell her that we are going to call Grandma and Pop Pop with these kinds of questions!

Never a dull moment over here.