5

Dear Jillian,

I am writing this post on the eve of your 5th birthday. You are sleeping in your room above mine, and I am killing a bit more time to make sure you are really out before I go and fill your room with balloons, lay out your birthday shirt, and hang streamers from your door. I have to admit that I am feeling a great deal better that I was five years ago on this night. I was in pretty bad shape at this moment, sure that I would never make it through that almost 30 hour labor to meet you. Thankfully, your dad kept reassuring me that I would survive, and guess what? I did! You were worth every contraction, every vomiting episode, and even worth that broken tailbone that still causes me problems when I sit for long periods of time. Whatever the struggle, you are worth it. With each passing year, I come to understand more about what my parents experienced raising children, and grow to appreciate their effort more because I am in the thick of it, or "in the weeds" as your Grandma Paula says. On the days when it feels really hard and really monotonous and really taxing, I frequently think to myself--"Wow, this is what my mom and dad did for me". It's a strange sort of gift to receive that perspective, but it's really cool.

As you turn five, I feel like I'm getting a whole new dose of perspective. Why? Well, because I can start to really see your heart form, and a new level of maturity rise to the top. It's kind of a little bit of validation for your dad and I because we can start to see our "work" take root (and that's pretty hard to see when your kids are infants and toddlers). I feel like you are suddenly turning into a very grown-up kid who has thoughts about a whole range of subjects, from-the-heart prayers, hard questions that I can't always answer in a way that satisfies you, and feelings that truly get wounded when the world doesn't respond in a way you expected. Currently, you are really into solving "problems" with friends. Most weeks, we have some sort of drama that you want to process. You have a kid in one of your classes who apparently doesn't want to be friends with you. He is friends with your friend, Jonah, and it just doesn't seem right to you that he refuses your friendship. My heart hurt listening to you at the dinner table, "Mom, I asked Colton to be my friend, but he said no. WHY doesn't he want to be my friend?" Your dad and I stumble around on our words to try and help you understand, and reassure you, and then suddenly you perk up with your usual resolve, "I am just going to keep trying to be friends with him". I love your persistence and determination--especially when it isn't focused on battling with me! In another example, you were telling me just this afternoon on the way home from school that you and Ella needed to talk more on Friday at church, that you have some stuff to "work out". I asked what that was about and you said, "Well, Mom, we have a little problem we need to solve. See, Ella likes to play with everyone, and I just want Ella to play with only me. We don't get enough time to play together just us. I don't know how we are going to figure this out, but we will talk about it again. Ella is special to me so we have to work it out". I couldn't believe what was hearing--it wasn't a fit or a whining episode about someone not playing with you, it was honest, sincere desire to get along with your BFF, and shows me that you are starting to really understand that relationships are important.

I can also see a new type of self-expression coming through, both in actions and words. You are starting to qualify your outbursts and frustrations by telling me that you don't think something is fair, that you are angry, that your feelings are hurt, and so on. It's really helpful to me, actually, and I feel like I can explain situations to you on a deeper level because of it. And you are creative. Oh boy, you are creative. The stuff you can make out of paper and tape really astounds me. In the last week alone, you have come up with a very elaborate "flashlight", and a dog house (we don't have a dog, of course, but you do have a little sister who is willing to play one).

The "flashlight". You informed me that if I just pressed on the bone stickers it would turn on. I really love your bed head, by the way.

Working on the "dog house". It's pretty elaborate. And it did require two entire rolls of scotch tape. I admit it requires focused deep breathing on my part to allow this "masterpiece" to remain in the front room of my house.  

And then there is your fashion sense. It's like nothing I've ever seen. You are so confident, and while I never ever would consider wearing some of your ensembles, it really just seems to work for you.

Rocking it. 

One of my favorite things about you is how you seek to involve your little sister in your life. You want to play with her, teach her, mother her (sometimes a bit too much), just be with her. I know the day is coming when you will want to cast her aside for new experiences and friends, but for now, I will just enjoy this. Yes, even the fighting.

All of these things I've mentioned tonight--your confidence, your persistence, your determination, your creativity, your heart--they all add up to make one amazing little person. Jillian, you are beautiful; full of joy and spirit and life. I love you, I am thankful for you, and I am so excited to see what you accomplish and enjoy as a 5 year old. Happy Birthday to you!

  xoxo , Your Mama

Shannon nailed it when she captured this shot of you--this is my Jillian.

P.S. I took a stroll down memory lane. Here are links to my thoughts on each October 29th since your birth.....

Birth
One
Two
Three
Four