The Old Me

I am going to talk about myself for a little bit. I think this story is important for my girls for several reasons, and it's safe to say that I could forget my thoughts about it before they are old enough to understand. My mom and I have had many conversations about how it's easy to forget these early child-rearing years when you are older--meaning that you forget the struggles, the all-consuming needs, and tendency to totally lose yourself and wonder where in the world 'the old me' went. 
I just finished my first season of league tennis play, and I can now say I am hooked. I want to play tennis all the time. If you would have asked me a year ago if I thought I would play tennis, I would have laughed. First of all, I was a volleyball player back in the day, and volleyball players don't play tennis. Second, I admit I am averse to the whole dr's wife stereotype, and felt a little uncomfortable about walking around town in a tennis skirt while I dropped my child off at preschool, etc. It feels pretentious to me. But, I got over all that and started to play. Poorly. Tennis frustrated me to no end at first, and my perfectionism reared its big old ugly head as I fought to control my emotions, intensity, and tendency to compare myself to how everyone else in the class was doing. I was barely hanging on, sticking it out to do this as a favor to my friend. And then about 3 months in I fell down the stairs and bashed my shoulder up. I figured this was the end of tennis for me. Despite the fact that my injured dominant shoulder was not my dominant tennis shoulder (get that straight?), I still needed it for backhand and serve tossing, etc., and tennis is really a full body sport. So. While sidelined, I was bummed to be missing class, and surprised by this feeling. I figured that perhaps I just missed the social time because I had really grown to enjoy our group--some of us old friends, most of us new friends. And then one day after a 3 month hiatus, I decided to go back to class. It was beyond awful, and you can ask my friend Jenni how many times I proclaimed that I was going to quit. She laughed at me, because she knew better. We had a new coach who didn't know me, and my teammates had all improved a great deal. I realized one day as I fought back tears of frustration that I wanted to be good at this sport. So I started racking up my RAC bill with private lessons and became determined to be "good enough" to join my teammates in the summer league play. I had a goal. I am a task oriented person and need goals to strive for. I met my goal and was able to play, and while I expected to lose every match this summer, I ended up winning two! I can see improvement in myself and I want more. Now when I am on the tennis court I feel like the old me, and like I am rediscovering the old me. I forgot so many things about myself--that I am insanely competitive, that I really am athletic, that I can be quick, that I am coordinated, that I am intense, that I am determined and persistent, and have a drive to continually improve. OK, so I probably deep down know these things about myself, but they have been lost among the shuffle of the last few years--the pregnancies, the months of breastfeeding, years of poor sleep, diapers, laundry, dishes, taxi cab driving, you name it. I think the reason I am so excited about this new hobby is that it is the first thing I have done since becoming a mom that is truly just for me. Yes, I love to cook. But we have to eat. And I love to shop. But we have to have clothes. You get my point. I don't HAVE to play tennis, I WANT to play tennis, and I play it ONLY because I want to. I am really proud of myself. I am having fun, I am succeeding at something new (at an age where I am starting to feel 'oldish' and like I don't have time to do anything extra), and I am motivated to do something that feels good to me, just for me. Girls, this is good. It is not selfish. I need to do things to stimulate those parts of me that get lost, so that I can be my best self for you. I hope that someday when you are mothers you can find something that makes you rediscover old parts of yourself, challenges you to improve, and promotes both mental and physical health. It's easy to let it slide, but the effort is oh-so worth it. I am worth it. You are worth it.